Knowing Him as the Sovereign & Ever-Present One

Still a whirl of emotions. So hard to control or to know what to do. Am sitting in a huge concert hall, waiting for an opera to begin of all things. Maybe being with friends will add some joy and vivacity to life. I need that now. But more than anything, I want rest and reassurance. My soul seems filled with sadness and burden.... O Lord, how I need You. Teach me to trust You this semester. Lord, grow in my heart. Be who I cannot be. Teach me to rely on You more and more. Thank You that You are always near. Thank You that You are always the answer.

I still remember writing those words. I was waiting for an opera to begin, and I felt all alone. Even as the house began to fill and people I knew came and sat around me, this lonely feeling rose up in my heart. I remember wanting to run out of the theater in tears but was so afraid of what my friends would think. That’s when those words came forth in silent prayer: O Lord, how I need You. I knew I just couldn’t do it any more. I didn’t want to be with friends at the opera, but even more, I was so overwhelmed by the various things happening in my life. In desperation, I cried out and found rest in the God of the universe. Sometime in those three long hours, Someone special reached me. I knew He was near and that He cared for me. He was what no one else could be – the peace, the assurance, and even the strength to go on in spite of everything.

In the weeks since that awful day, I have prayed that prayer over and over again: O Lord, I need You. Those simple five words uttered with a genuine heart have changed my semester. Jeremiah’s prayer in Lamentations 3:55-57 has become so real. “I called upon Your name, O Jehovah, from the lowest pit. You have heard my voice; do not hide Your ear at my breathing, at my cry. You drew near in the day that I called upon You; You said, Do not fear.” I am beginning to realize and experience how available our God is. No matter how low I am or how weak, He is always so near, only a cry away. O Lord, I need You.

The past few months have been really hard. At school, all my classes this term seem so hard and have apparently insurmountable piles of homework. I have found my function as a friend tried over and over as I tried to shepherd and comfort friends whose family members have died or have been diagnosed with cancer. To top it off, I am still struggling with a long-term illness yet to be fully diagnosed. In the midst of all of this, it is easy to question God and ask why He would allow yet another thing to happen. Isn’t it already enough?

Yet as I cry out to the Lord in prayer, I find new assurance. There is One who has arranged all these situations in my life. It’s true that it’s not how I would have planned it. It’s not even what I thought I wanted. But over and over again, I’m realizing how God is taking caring of me and answering my prayers. He still loves me and is using this apparently tumultuous situation to gain my heart.

In so many little ways, I see God practically shepherding me. There is the classmate who takes notes for me in one of my classes because my hands hurt too much to write in the morning. He’s my lab partner, too, and he does all the hand-intensive work. There’s no reason why we ought to be friends, or why he should go out of his way to do anything for me. I could have easily been stuck with someone else. But instead, I see the Lord providing me with someone to physically care for me. There’s the other former classmate who’s kindly offered to be around and help me actually get studying done. Then, too, there’s the stuffed animal my little sister randomly gave me last year; it’s always there whenever I’m in too much pain to sleep. My faithful prayer partner, the lovely couple from church, the list continues on and on.

Somehow when I see all these people surrounding me, I realize how much the Lord really cares for me. I confess that I don’t understand what He’s doing, but I know it’s sure to be marvelous. As He provides for me in all these little ways, He must be arranging my life in way that is best for me. Humbling myself before Him and acknowledging Him as the sovereign One in my life is no longer a fear but a comfort. I see Him as the One whose heart is always good towards me. And more than anything, I realize that He’s causing me to turn to Him more and more. As I realize again and again how weak I am, He continues to remind me of how available He is to meet my every need. Something as simple as whispering, O Lord, I need You, is all that I need to find rest. Turning back to Him always brings peace. Through all my struggles, the words of this hymn resonate with my experience:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.